Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Some people were born into their job.
#SaturdayBears
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Always this one for me forever
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.