[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me checking my bank balance online.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
