[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
How to draw a duck
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
