[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
