Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad