@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

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@80sjams

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

@GibJimson

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

@UncleDuke1969

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@KattsDogma

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

@ThaJawn

(Animal school)

Lion: That’s my desk

Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu

-5 minutes later

Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!

@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@GrantTanaka

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away