CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?