Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows