Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass