Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.