[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*cactus hasn’t died in a year*
*adds botanist to resumé*
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I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]