Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully