@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*

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@david8hughes

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

@queerly_it_is

keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

@MehrangizC

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

@Steelers1972

The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question