When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”
*cactus hasn’t died in a year*
*adds botanist to resumé*
You Might Also Like
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*lies down in bed*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*
Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail