Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

happy mother’s day❤️

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

I will never stop laughing at this

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

This hospital has everything

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it