Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.