Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

estão todos miauvindo?

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Breaking news:

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Sing it!

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.