Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here