Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.