Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown