Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me, too, girl. me, too.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries