Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.