Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this