Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

men are simple creatures

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.