Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?