Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
why isn’t he texting back
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks