Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
This was the best day of my life
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us