Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
![]()
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!