Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Ummm
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends