Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

TODAY

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.