Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
[montage of me giving-up]
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that