Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.