Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece