Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
TRAIN’S HERE
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.