Cake!!
You Might Also Like
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.