“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
the battle rages on
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people