Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

President The Rock Obama

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet