Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Science is fun!

#nottrue

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

But is it really??

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.