Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.