Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Natty or not?
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.