cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.