cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
never deleting this app.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.