Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Can anyone recommend some good introductory books for someone just getting into reading performatively on public transport
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”