Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
O Wise One….
3% human
97% stress
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
