Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying