Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Has there ever been a more American story?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean