Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
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As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.