Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Girl, same.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?