Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
I see your IQ test came back negative
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.