Cake safety first. Always.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
never stops being funny
omg leave her alone
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.