Cake!!
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Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
bury ourselves
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.