Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*