Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

That earthquake could have been an email.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now