@BoomBoomBetty

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

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@Reverend_Scott

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@SpenceDen

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

@rolldiggity

A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

@UnFitz

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@KattsDogma

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or