[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.