Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

This is painfully accurate 😅

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.