[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.