Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

weddings should have a worst man

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Fries, not lies.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”