Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

make up your mind

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

The symmetry is uncanny.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed