calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You Might Also Like
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Mountain Goat : )
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
