calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Velcrow
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.