Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.