CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Put a ring on it
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression