California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.