California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.