Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

omg leave her alone

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

taking June’s advice to heart

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!