Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

philosophical skeletons be like

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

lot going on here, legally speaking.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself