Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
What my back needs
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Left at a local drug store…
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.