Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks