Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Extremely relatable.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy